... About Being Mixed-Race Pt. 1

Growing up in Hawaiʻi, I had never questioned my identity as a half Chinese, half white kid. I was always able to exist fully as myself. I never felt the need to choose or felt a race was chosen for me. I was always just hapa. When I got to Dartmouth, that changed. I suddenly became hyperaware of my status as a half white/ half Asian girl. I remember going to an event marketed towards women of color. As someone identified as pan-Asian by OPAL, I was invited. I remember showing up and feeling like people were looking at me like I wasn’t supposed to be there. I am white-passing.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that space wasn’t meant for me.

Even though I am half-Chinese, because I look white, as I walk through the world, I am treated like I am white. That space was created as a space for women of color to care for themselves and for each other. These spaces aren’t common on Dartmouth’s campus. By virtue of my looking white, most spaces on campus are, however, made for me. But here’s the thing—I’m not white. I am hapa. The grandchild of Chinese immigrants from Guangzhou, I grew up with Chinese and Chinese American culture just as I grew up with the local culture of Hawaiʻi and mainstream white American culture. Because of this, I can find white spaces tiring and frustrating. They aren’t entirely meant for me either. So what space on campus is meant for me?

I’m lucky because I am part of Hokupaʻa, Dartmouth’s Pasifika club. There, most of us are hapa anyway, and like in Hawaiʻi, I don’t feel like I have to choose what I am—I can exist fully. Most mixed-race Dartmouth students don’t have access to a space like this. Most mixed-race kids don’t ever have access to a space like this—so I started talking to them. The first classmate I talked to said that she had never talked to anyone outside of her family about being mixed before. I found this to be true about most of my mixed classmates I talked to. She shared that growing up she was always made to feel too white in Black spaces and too Black in white spaces. This was also a common theme with others I talked to. We also shared a similar childhood experience—strangers assuming that our moms were actually our nannies. Mixed families are rarely without drama. Normally one family or both are not happy with the marriage, because of blatant racism or as my grandmother said, “cultural differences”.

Having this conversation was very enlightening. Although with our different mixes and different appearances, our experiences weren’t the same, there were many threads of similarity. She said she had never connected with someone else about these similarities and that it was nice to know that it wasn’t just her and that her feelings are valid. Why aren’t these conversations more common? Why are we still forced to choose one race or click “other” on most surveys? Why has Dartmouth not had a single event for mixed students in at least five years? Having this first conversation with a classmate encouraged me to have more, and more. One conversation I had near the end of the term turned into a group chat that we hope will grow into more. It is crazy how one conversation can start something so much larger.

(Btw. I recognize that most mixed people --though definitely not all-- are lighter skinned and have that privilege. I am not at all arguing that mixed-race people have it harder than many others. Read pt. 2 for more on that!)